Healing…
Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed, it just means it no longer controls you. — Aleshay Dubey
I must admit, I had a hard time with forgiveness growing up. I held on to grudges with the tenacity of Cristiano Ronaldo on UCL night. The exciting part was that I could sit, smile and be perfectly alright with the person — however, in my mind?! I had cursed at the person like a billion times.
But that’s not why we are here today.
Self-forgiveness is even harder than forgiving another person.
Take a seat, lemme explain.
In my quest for growth, I had to come to terms with the fact that forgiveness truly is a thing for me and not the other person. I also have learned forgiveness has always been an inward thing.
Forgiving others always seemed hard — I’m here to burst your bubble! Forgiving yourself is and will always remain the hardest thing to do. It slowly creeps into a part of your mind that you never visit but you always get subtle reminders!
It can be incredibly challenging to let go of the mistakes you’ve made and the regret that accompanies them.
I asked a “Mother” of mine a while ago — what keeps you going?
Her response was — “relationships”.
In 2020, I met a beautiful woman over an accidental video call; a friend was talking to her friend and I walked past, which was the beginning of one of the best relationships in my life. She was my 2020 blessing. 18 months down the line — I messed things up.
For weeks, I put up an attitude in my head believing that “I could’ve been right and she was overreacting”.
Was it pride? I really can’t tell. Maybe it was.
Or was I just looking for a comfort zone to hide in?
Truthfully, I was hurting. I was in so much pain.
One thing I’ve always done as a person (I’m sure guys can relate) is to mask pain. You always cover up, you always find a distraction and you never really sort the pain out. You coast, you glide over it and just move with the times till you can’t feel it any more. You compartmentalize!!!
A childhood acquaintance says this thing “The worst thing a man can do is lie to himself. He can lie to everyone else, however he shouldn’t lie to himself”.
I knew I was hurting, I knew I was in a bad place when that relationship went sour. Don’t get it twisted, we aren’t perfect people, we both had our shortcomings, and we both could’ve done things differently — however, 9 times out of 10…I could’ve been a better person for her.
She deserved better and it hurt me.
Now here’s the lesson.
One morning at a few minutes past 2, I was talking to my sister and texting a friend at the same time. Coincidentally, they asked me how I was holding up knowing how It hurt me.
For a few weeks, I really couldn’t put words to how I was feeling, my emotions were all over the place. I took a friend’s advice and sought therapy.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press.
My moderators. Co-debators.
Family and Friends. Wellwishers.
All protocols duly observed.
Whatever you do in this beautiful life, nothing will ever prepare you for what therapy will do to you.
Lemme say again, NOTHING WILL EVER PREPARE YOU FOR WHAT THERAPY WILL DO TO YOU!!!
My therapy was in 2 parts: spiritual and mental.
- Spiritual: I spoke to a friend and she put me on a challenge for a few days and gave me things to study. After that time, we had a long conversation and then I was added to a group where spiritual development was the goal. The amazing part of the group is — that there are about 40 people in that group, I’m the only Guy. It is an amazing group, I learn so much from them and most of them are married. So beautiful. My spiritual growth has been FABULOUS! Let’s just say, I’ve been able to understand a few more things about women just by being there.
- Mental (psychologist): I went back into my childhood and realised how unprocessed emotions have led to unfavourable patterns in my adulthood. It was a time machine — I had to relive emotions and thoughts I felt were not important but they play a huge part in the way I am at the moment.
See…seek help. You are far from perfect. You are not The Hulk.
One day, you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you are going through now and it will become part of someone’s survival guide — which is why I’m writing this.
In a nutshell
1. if I missed your birthday
2. if I missed your wedding
3. if I said some freaky shii to you
4. if I disappeared when you needed me
5. if I didn’t treat you right in our relationship
6. If I was a bad friend.
7. If I was a bad lover.
8. If I was a bad brother
Going into the future, I aspire to be a giver. A giver of love, a giver of good vibes and a giver of strength.
